No One Likes Emo

Don’t get me wrong, I get it.  But you need to let it go.  I know you sit and think about how you were when you were together and how marvelous it was.  You sit and replay over and over how good you were together; the way they made you feel, the secrets you shared.  Every soul shattering iota of passion, warmth and caring that cascades over you when you sit and dwell on the memories.

What you need to realize is that it is all bullshit.  They are not that person.  They are not the one you want.  What you want is the idea of them in your head, not who they really are.  Because if they were that person, they would be here, and they’re not.

You need to get over it.  Stop sitting there everyday torturing yourself with their memory.  You’re not a child anymore.  You need to put the past in the past.  I didn’t say it wouldn’t hurt and it won’t be easy but you need to stop whining.  Everyone gets it.  We’ve all been there.  But we had the decency not to skulk around for an indeterminate amount of time.  So drop your balls and grow up already.

I can guarantee that if they aren’t in your life right now, they aren’t thinking about you.  

Attack of the Cat

It’s slow going here most days. The weather outside would be surprisingly warm tonight, if I didn’t live in Florida. One of the conveniences of living in a subtropical climate is the ability to go swimming almost completely year round, and often as late into the night as you’d like. Unfortunately, the only way for it to be this comfortably warm this late into the evening is by it being equally hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk by nine most mornings. In a state that spends nine months of the year in summer, we snow bunnies can be quite reluctant to enjoy the day.

I will not lie; I am a night owl by nature. Everyone that I can relate to in my family is a night owl. We may adjust ourselves to suit our jobs, school, etc – but make no mistake, the first opportunity we have to stay up until sunrise and we’re all over it like white on rice. We also benefit by being insomniacs, thus capable of running perfectly fine on as little as two hours of sleep.

This would seem irrelevant, excepting the fact that the town I reside within is almost completely diurnal. The tragedy of small cities. The danger in small cities and towns with night-owls is the ego. Oh sure, you might not think anything of it at first, “This is nice, quiet.” Sooner or later you’ve developed this whole “I own the night,” thing and start coming up with paranoid-delusional reasons as to why others are alert at such late hours. It seems oddly appropriate that most of these scenarios are made up while midnight trollings through Wal-Mart. By the way – if you are ever trapped there after two a.m.: Duct-tape Bowling.

This is a lot of meandering – and if you’ve happened by looking for a point I’m afraid you should call the game now, pack it in and go home.

I’m staring that the belly-button rings sitting on my desk just beneath my monitor. They’re nothing special, just large globular neon-pink marble acrylic balls. I love that you can find objects in various places for significant price differences. At Sally Beauty – they are $10 a piece, somewhere in the Market of Marion, I got them 3 for $10. Mix-n-match – imagine that.

If you ever get a chance, you should listen to Coast to Coast. I’m not sure if they’re affiliated, but they do have a website, and if you search hard enough online – which is to say not very hard at all – you’ll be able to find free broadcasts of the show without need of a radio. Just in case you are like some writers around here who only listen to the radio as a way to wake up in the morning.

I have come to the tragic conclusion that I just don’t want a job anymore. I neither care nor have the motivation to go out and seek one. Don’t get me wrong, I currently have a job which I love – the hours and pay are shite so I need to move on. But I don’t want a job. I want to write and do my art and get paid for it. Grants are hard to find unless you’ve been published as a writer, but I am avidly looking. And I am working at a double major in college to get some lame pays-the-bills shindig. I just don’t necessarily want it. And as my month of nearly paid vacation comes to a close, I find myself in mourning.

And to pack it all in, I’m not entirely sure if work is the only cause. It may just be I’m tired of here. Which is quite possible. The tragedy of being tired of where you live is the fact that most all of your friends and family are there. Abandonment has never been so complex.


Holy sh*t dude, I totally forgot I was in the middle of something. haha I went and altered the look on my dA and got to chatting with a friend and completely forgot what I was doing. So sorry to have forgotten you – but I suppose that’s where we’ll end it for now.

=^ ^=

Cantankerous Bitchings

Tragically I’ve come up with a new subject for a book. It’s nightmarish. I’m not even halfway through – research and other mind you now, not written word per se – on three and now I want to jump on a new one. It’s totally awesome – at least in my head and so I’m super psyched to get started on it.

And to be sure, I’m thinking I might want to make it a Manga. So I’ll be sketching up character refs to see if that’s the direction I want to go for sure. It will probably take longer than any other project. Of course this might also lead me to doing it to the rest of them… How tragic. Ha!

--------------------------

Is it just me – or do you want to skin the fucknut who created the McCafe commercials of epic annoyingness? And strangle at least half of the cast of Glee. The whore wife, the tramp cheerleader, the obsessive star, and Will – the spineless wimpy fop. Break their legs and beat them to death with them. I can’t decide if I love the show or hate it. Like picking at scabs – you know you really shouldn’t but there’s something to the sensation of digging a hole in your flesh.

Mourning Monsters

And I might be beautiful if it weren’t for all these scars. This rot ridden soul. Putrid and hateful.
No matter how deep the razor goes it just can’t reach what’s wrong. Because it’s everything. Every breath, beat, lash, cell. Every day, hour, moment. Curling out, up, in.

The only way to get out is to break out for good. Break down. Decay. Big bright red Cheshire grin. Sloppy jagged hunks of flesh sickeningly remindful of teeth gushing crimson vomit. And it’s all tumbling out now.
Worthless
Wasteful
Wicked
Wrong
Wrong
Wrong
And if you ever did anything right they might love you.
If you cease. Cease to be. Think.

And if you could, please, just be a little less you. However, it really doesn’t seem to be worth my time, so why don’t you just continue on.

While you’re busy championing Jonathan Harker, I’m mourning Dracula.
And who is there to hold me while I lose control?
Who is there to ease the pain of loss?
Who is there to ease the heartache?
Who is there to tell me the sun will set and night will return once more?


Maybe they would be,
If you weren’t a Monster.

But then who would you be?

A Burning Brilliant Star

I saw you. In that moment I was a burning brilliant star. Something shining and new and beautiful. Something worthwhile. I blazed across the sky, a fierce stellate shooting across the heavens to show how dim the stars burned in stasis.

Symphonies ruptured the silence of a stillborn heart and life poured out and covered the soul. Life expressed its vitality in that ailing string. Resounding, overwhelming, cascading and invasive. Everything was right. Everything was sure. Conducive. An affirmation of a myriad of portents, omens and signs; fiercely drowning cataract.

First breath. First sight. Everything renewed, restored. Vigor. Palatable, sensual.


And you turned only to vanish. An aberration, illusion. Some vicious oasis in this desert wasteland. Destruction as beautiful as the creation.

If love is the master, hope is the apprentice.

We Must Die To One Life

A fire burns
Water comes
You cool me down
When I'm cold inside
You are warm and bright
You know you are so good for me

With your child's eyes
You are more than you seem
You see into space
I see in your face
The places you've been
The things you have learned
They sit with you so beautifully

You know there's no need to hide away
You know I tell the truth
We are just the same
And I can feel everything you do
Hear everything you say
Even when you're miles away
'Cause I am me, the universe and you

And just like stars burning bright
Making holes in the night
We are building bridges

And you know there's no need to hide away
You know I tell the truth
We are just the same
And I can feel everything you do
Hear everything you say
Even when you're miles away
'Cause I am me, the universe and you
I'm the universe and you

When you're on your own
I'll send you a sign
Just so you know
That I am me, the universe and you
The universe and you
The universe and you

I am the universe and you

Flippant how we move through the moods. Seals in arctic seas, polywogging. I feel lost in the ocean. Content. At peace. Soothed by thoughts of a vast emptiness. Of how tiny and insignificant I may be in the scheme of the universe.
Maybe it is my ego in being overjoyed at having been a part of something in the first place. Or maybe just in thoughts that those who really deem me insignificant are even more worthless than I. Pathetic bastards...

I always think of this song when I think of my friends. My ACTUAL friends. Not my chums. Acquaintances. Random assortment of people who find me and my antics enjoyable.
The ones who care. People and humans alike. The ones who always see the dark within my glaring brightness. And love me for it. The ones who've gone to the dark side of the moon, and fought to stay with me through all the horrors I am capable of.
And I am more than capable of things you shudder to imagine. I do not admit this with glee, but a sense of sorrow. Because I am the monster other monsters fear. By right and with horrendous justification. Perhaps the reason I enjoy horror movies so much. I am motivated to find out how others react to these seeming "monstrosities."
My reactions are always different.

I am different.
Not better.
Different.
Not unique.
Just different. In a sea of silver lamia - the black one is no better. Has no unique qualities, abilities, nuances. Merely difference.

I do not
move dance shake bounce beat bop slide slip flip flop leap scamper skip meander wander walk run
through life.
I flow.
Kinesis is just kinesis.


I am filled with a dread sense of longing. A hard sorrow. And it is so funny, in an entirely ironic sense, because I think I've made a good decision on what to do with my life. I'm beginning school shortly. I'm putting myself whole hog into the acting/modeling thing. And all I really want to do is cry. Maybe dredge up the past too...

I seriously want to yell at you. Why weren't you a friend. Why weren't you better to me? Don't you know that when I said I loved you I actually meant it? Don't you know when I said I loved you, it was unconditional and I would NEVER EVER expect anything in return excepting ONLY your presence within my life?
Why was that so much to ask for?

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”

Anatole France

Haters

I'm a punk rock prom queen
Brown paper magazine
Hotter than you've ever seen
Everywhere and in between

I'm a ten ticket thrill ride
Don't you wanna come inside?
A five star triple threat
Hardest of the hard to get
No ones little red corvette
Ain't seen nothin' like me yet

It took six whole hours, and five long days
For all your lies to come undone
And those three small words were way to late
Cause you can't see that I'm the one

I'm your late night head rush
Ace high royal flush
Red velvet orange crush
You just don't impress me much

A glossy double cover spread
Opened up inside your head
A black cherry paradise
Half the sugar, twice the spice
I don't wanna treat you nice
Come on baby roll the dice

Six whole hours, and five long days
For all your lies to come undone
And those three small words were way too late
Can't you see that I'm the one

It took six whole hours, and five long days
For all your lies to come undone
And those three small words were way too late
'Cause you can't see that I'm the one

It took six whole hours, and five long days
For all your lies to come undone
And those three small words were way too late
'Cause you can't see that I'm the one!!

I'm intelligent
I'm cute
I'm funny
I'm quick
I'm gullible
I'm trigger happy
I'm wild
I'm crazy in a way that everyone wants

I am more than willing to go the extra mile for you if I love you. And trust me when I say no one will ever, EVER, love you like I will; regarding friends and otherwise. I do however, absolutely refuse
To be put on the sidelines
To be stabbed in the back
To be lied to
To be ignored

This is my anthem. And you can think your better than me all you want. And you can think I'm an egocentric asshole all you want. And you can lie about me, betray me, and hate me all you want. But I am all this and more. And if you cannot see it - it's your loss.

Bitch, keep talking shit - you're making me FAMOUS!

I Miss You Cockslice

I miss camarilla's
I miss Shiloh
I miss staying up for days on end
I miss reading more than three books a day
I miss never being home
I miss driving for hours to avoid home
I miss ditching school
I miss Alicat
I miss our coven
I miss grocery shopping high
I miss raves
I miss drug running
I miss rescuing friends
I miss being Ocean
I miss being Silver
I miss being Tape Freak
I miss being Stewart
I miss D&D
I miss Ambrosius, Mayonnaise & Beast
I miss circles
I miss tarot cards, palm reading & seering
I miss painting and sculpting
I miss eating while driving
I miss buying friends food
I miss going to the park and having someone to celebrate nature with
I miss casual sex
I miss when sex was never an issue
I miss not feeling let down
I miss the D&D kittens
I miss the feeling of a new tattoo
I miss the feeling of a new piercing
I miss cutting
I miss dancing under the moon
I miss working at the theater
I miss acting
I miss avoiding the cops to avoid being arrested
I miss the beach
I miss The Castle
I miss death brownies
I miss snow
I miss winter
I miss black ice
I miss tobaggening
I miss Uncle Buzz
I miss the farm
I miss when Michael Jackson was cool
I miss doing Thriller
I miss doing The Time Warp
I miss doing The MIB
I miss french braiding my own hair
I miss anime weekends
I miss Kelley
I miss Pilot Candidate
I miss Outlaw Star
I miss when Sailor Moon was cool
I miss debate
I miss improvisational speaking
I miss driving to get lost and not being able to
I miss singing along to The Aquabats!
I miss going on patrol
I miss firing guns
I miss swimming
I miss believing the world was flat
I miss believing the entire world was only South Dakota
I miss blizzards
I miss the Black Hills
I miss the DAMN YOU!!
I miss mmmKay
I miss begging you to shave your head
I miss pissing you off
I miss kissing you
I miss hugging you
I miss holding you
I miss loving you
I miss being in love with you
I miss making out with you
I miss having sex with you
I miss slapping you
I miss biting you
I miss clawing you
I miss talking to you all night long
I miss IMing you
I miss watching you sleep
I miss walking until dawn with you
I miss caressing you
I miss pinning you
I miss pleasing you
I miss pleasuring you
I miss punching you
I miss kicking you
I miss yelling at you
I miss crying with you
I miss drinking your blood
I miss the taste of your kiss
I miss the taste of you
I miss the sound of your heartbeat
I miss your scent
I miss your eyes
I miss your hair
I miss your smile
I miss your laugh
I miss your sighs
I miss your voice
I miss your lips
I miss your hair
I miss your ears
I miss your happy face
I miss your angry face
I miss your confused face
I miss your letters
I miss your car
I miss your anger
I miss your rage
I miss your sorrow
I miss your pain
I miss your fear
I miss your grief
I miss your lust
I miss your love
I miss your wild abandon
I miss your ferocity
I miss your fist
I miss your bite
I miss your palm
I miss your throat
I miss your wrist
I miss your offering
I miss your gift
I miss your world
I miss your art
I miss your thoughts
I miss your ideals
I miss your morals
I miss your notions
I miss your opinions
I miss your perversions
I miss your need for 3am conversations
I miss your need to wipe ketchup on me
I miss your need to wipe mayonnaise and mustard on me too
I miss your lectures on my health
I miss your choice of music
I miss your choice of films
I miss your choice of novels
I miss waiting for you
I miss speaking to you in French
Gods how I miss your eyes
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you so much it hurts

Gypsy

I think I might just leave this life behind... Or rather the illusion of life in this place. I have been contemplating very seriously becoming a gypsy. A wayward vagabond.

Memories are just ghosts, the past come to haunt us. I think I would like a Haunting to cherish. I want the Golden Days. I've had a glimpse and I selfishly want more. I deserve more.

I have to do. I must do.
I love you but I cannot wait for you to join me any longer.

So here is my dilemma. Do I become a vagabond? A revolutionary? Or do I combine the two so brilliantly I am assassinated too soon. Art is Music is Motion is Life. I am boldly going, and without doubt it is not nowhere. But the somewhere is nothing I have known before.

Snakes shed skins.
Phoenix rise from ashes.
I am new.

Everything You Think You Know Is Wrong

Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong
And everything you think you had baby
Is gone

Certain things turn ugly when you think too hard
And nagging little thoughts change into things you can't turn off
Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong

It's all over but the crying
Fade to black I'm sick of trying
Took too much and now I'm done
It's all over but the crying

Do you really think I'm made of stone baby?
C'mon!
That we only love the things we own?
Baby you're wrong

Certain things just happen when you make no plans
And love can really tear you up and it can break you down
Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong

It's all over but the crying
Fade to black I'm sick of trying
Took too much and now I'm done
It's all over but the crying

Baby we're done

If I could I would
I'd change everything
Cause I can't forget you though you don't believe me
Now I can't walk back
I can't leave behind
Where does it go all the light that we had?

Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong
And everything you think you had baby
Is gone

Baby we're done

I am so very tired. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I really don't. I am out of my element on this one. And I'm not saying I didn't do anything. I always do something. It's how I work. Because stagnant is death. Life is change and movement. And maybe forward is hard, but the pain is what you use to remind you this isn't a dream.

I want to be self righteous. So fucking badly. But I'd rather make your life hell and play the role of the devil I know without doubt I am. And you may not believe in karma; but so help me you backstabbing bitch. You will when I'm done. I'm going to make you hurt. Because I'm hurting. And I don't care if you don't deserve it.

Push on stresses to find the cracks in who you are.
I am vindictive. In all the worse ways.

I pity those who love me most of the time because I am about as comforting as sandpaper.
And some days I wish I wasn't. Sometimes I want to be the loving center than you can rescue on your god damned steeds. But I am no damsel. And the only one distressed is the dragon for having his ass kicked by a little girl.

I loved you. I thought we would always be friends. I did not once ever consider you to be just an acquaintance. But now we're not even friends. You should know I plan on ruining your life. And normally I would be boldly honest and state the fact to your face. However, you feel the world should be run according to your game plan. So I will gloriously deploy it. You should know it brings me no joy. No joy whatsoever. And how I wish thoughts of your demise could.
I really and truly do.
But I am so very tired.

I do not continue to pick myself up because I want to. But because I have to. For no one else will be there for me.
Maybe that's a lie. I don't believe it. I do force it on myself. Because so far in life it has been the truth. A terrible and aching truth that breeds emptiness.
Sometimes I wish that all the scars on my soul could be seen on the outside.


Sometimes I think Hope is just as cruel as Love...

All That You Love Will Be Carried Away

I can't help that I like to be kissed
And I wouldn't mind if my name changed to Mrs.
This is one side, my conventional side
My attraction to tradition
My vintage disposition
My sincere architecture
And I want to cook him dinner
But I'm more indecisive than ever
And who believes in forever

Who will be the one to marry me?

A girl in the world barking up the wrong tree
A creature conditioned to employ matrimony
Crumbling continuity, I pick up the pieces
The ceremony makes me zealous


As the past quickly ceases
Fear from being neutered
I'm now prude, now defensive
Quickly I'm altered and tempted by new love only rented

Do you believe you'll marry me?
You might be the one to marry me

Back, looking back, looking back at me
I'm not how I used to be
Take me back, take me back into history
Diamond ring, tie me down, just like it used to be

Who will be the one to marry me?
Who will be the one to marry me?

I think about marriage sometimes. Well, I suppose "think about" is too broad a statement. I puzzle over. I have never understood the thought of committing yourself to just one person. Perhaps this is the result of the general applications I find indulged by others with the monogamous mindset. Like fucking mindless pod zombies. I want to take them and break their face in for it.

Do not get me wrong, I am all for being together forever if that is the Butter on your Toast; but, Seriously? And it is not that I do not want be accompanied. I just... I am not sure if I could commit solely to one person. This is not to say that I will never get married, or that I will never find someone - just one - who completes me so infinitely that I cannot bring myself to see any other; but, the likelihood of that happening is about as probable as my winning the lottery this Saturday.
Not. Fucking. Likely.

I think in the end it boils down to a point made infamous by Stephen King: "...according to at least one source I've read recently, all that you love will be carried away." Even if you stay together - it's not going to be forever. At least not with the terms people en mass use. It's only until this body expires - and quite frankly I find that fact so distastefully disgusting as to nearly acquiesce to the immediate urge to vomit. I don't want your cheap tokens crafted to portray a grossly defiled and corrupt emotion you attempt to pawn off as Love. When the brutal truth of the matter is most of you wouldn't know actual and true Love if it walked up to you as some bizarre amalgamation of David Carradine and Chuck Norris and Kung Fu kicked you in the jollies.

And how can you love someone when you don't even know who they are!?! You go based on the window dressing - and you want to know what, Sweetheart? At the age of 80 - man or woman - damn near EVERYONE ends up looking like Merle Fucking Haggard at best, and that creepy german Nosferatu at worst. Superficial packet of fucks. I have never, in my entire life, ever once thought someone suitable or even attractive based merely on their appearance. Now, do not let that statement confuse you. I said Attractive - not physically appealing. Tasty monkeys are just that: Eye Candy. They make your eyes happy and might fill your imaginations with entertaining thoughts.
Attraction is another game entirely.
Attraction is to Tasty Monkeys what Symphonies are to Wretching Sounds. Oh, they're both sounds all right - but how many hours can you spend listening to someone vomit?
And honestly, eye candy should remain just that - 19x out of 20. Because that is how often they prove to disappoint you. "No no no, don't talk. You talk - and you'll just fuck eeeeeverything up. Quiet time, yes, quiet time. No talkies. Noooo. Bad. Talking baaad." Eye candy should be treated like statues: you stand there and collect dust, and I'll let you know if it's ok for you too sneeze - and might I recommend holding your breath?

Everyone at some point is lonely. My moments are blissfully short, generally passing with a rueful sullenness without destroying my moment or even day. It is a human condition to feel isolated. We evolved as pack animals, and in this modern day with the supreme isolation technology provides our souls are hungering for that lost connection.
Someone told me you can figure out how affection-starved someone is by how many novels someone has. Fiction being a form of escapism and escapism popular with those who feel the need to connect more strongly than those they find themselves surrounded by.
I often wonder if this is a thought they themselves had or if the topic itself was the product of some research that they stumbled upon in their search of information for class. I would greatly like to read about this.

Without You I'm Nothing At All

Strange infatuation seems to grace the evening tide
I'll take it by your side
Such imagination seems to help the feeling slide
I'll take it by your side
Instant correlation sucks and breeds a pack of lies
I'll take it by your side
Oversaturation curls the skin and tans the hide
I'll take it by your side

Tick tock
Tick tock
Tick tick
Tick
Tick
Tick tock

I'm unclean, a libertine
And every time you vent your spleen
I seem to lose the power of speech
You're slipping slowly from my reach
You grow me like an evergreen
You've never seen the lonely me at all

I
Take the plan, spin it sideways
I
Fall
Without you I'm nothing
Without you I'm nothing
Without you I'm nothing
Take the plan, spin it sideways
Without you I'm nothing at all

Sometimes I think I want a love that lasts forever. And I cannot help but laugh at myself. Perhaps the notion is too feminine. Or merely too childish.

Maybe it's just the fear.
The fact that I am too afraid of losing who I am, who I've fought so hard to be.

I think it's the late hours. That time of night when the moon calls me hard, and I can feel the tide rushing with the blood in my veins.

I want to find something to blame it on. But there is only me. And I know it. A fact that although I am wholly myself I still feel incomplete. And I'm not too sure what it is that is missing, I only know the wound is there and it's bleeding me out. I am tired of fruitless expectations. I am tired of myself.
I. Need. ?

I'd break my right arm to figure it out. A prospect that is as horrifying as it is the truth.

I hate this feeling and the way it creeps up on me. No matter what I'm doing, enjoying; it's just suddenly there and it's everywhere and I feel as though I'm drowning, suffocating, imploding in on myself. With no reason. No cause.
Hunker down further, because this is going to end badly.
With no end is sight, that's all I can hope for...

REFUSE

i've got it all on my mind exploding in a million different directions at once i felt that all things should perish, little deaths, for their little lives. twitchy keys twitch fingers, they itch and scamper silly little whispers of words stuck in my mind they keep me up at night and i'm afraid to sleep or sleep alone and sometimes these things are idle in their moods - tiny torrents of great gasping floods and it is all too much to bear. brr. bera. burrow. burn. bark. parka. you won't get it you refuse to understand. and THAT IS NOT FINE. i'm tired of explaining and aggravated with you and i want to run away because i am aggravated with myself. and i want to tell you what i mean but sometimes i don't know it. there is so much in here is another brick. this prison gets higher every time i turn around around around the way. some sorrow filled nights and the loneliness is creeping in. i want to strangle her with those satin laces. the ones i keep hidden from myself in the tiny crevices of places i dare not go for fear of loss of self control. ov. of. oven. burn. fires fires all around and here's the cross to put me on, i made sure those nails were rusty. god give me tetnus. lock jaw. wired shut. these rules of yours have already bound me. made me a wicked beast - one you'd sooner fear than love. and i want to rip your fucking heart out for it. i hate your slackjawed nature. your flippance. your lack of humanity. i am staring at you again. but it's only to see if you have a soul. or to memorize the lines you make. but it's not because i care, you're too frustrating. you suck the life out of everything. god damned leeches. human - people is the same as vampire - leeches. not that you'd know. you wouldn't know anything - but oh how you know everything. i'm lost again. but happier for it. but lost from what i want and need. i know the difference between your empty food and am hungry for actual fare. stuck stuck stuck. cannot find the shovel to dig myself out of this hole. DIG ME OUT. i'm shouting. screaming. calling. screeching. howling. I NEED MORE WORDS!! there is not enough of this. and where are you when i need you. in these late hours, these hours, the only time i am __insert whatever word you'd like here__. not that you'd know any good ones. ones. once. bitter. i am bitter here. and cold. and lost and stuck. i cannot - i do not - i am unable - i am

nothing Nothing NOTHING just not good enough just not well well welcome over and come inside i have some dreams and they're selling cheap trick clever trick you almost YOU'RE AN ALMOST and i i laugh hysterical hyster womb shredded home all is lost and long forgotten burn wander these empty hallways adn there is no punctuation, doesn't that just drive you mad MAD mad mad mad mad angry i shall strive strike stick street steam stream stem lest lost love never meant to make you wonderful bastard and how these things they come together right now olly olly oxenfree spelling, we don't need your grammar you nazi sucking the life out. suck vacuum YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? hahahahaha i want to shread snarl sharp furious claws raking down carving paths through flesh one scar two scar three scar MEMORY

i'm going to break them these damn fingers but first i'll rip the nails out slowly one bed at a time and sleep is too far gone and i will never lie down again i am a liar i am a theif and i want to steal every moment you are awake i want to climb inside that head of yours cover myself in your mind i want to know what you think inside there behind those eyes i see in i drown in i want those eyes i want what they're hiding I WANT YOU to know what i'm thinking to see how i see the world to find an interesting thought in me to inspire me to comfort me to strangle me to drive me and i am tracking you, keeping careful observance of your moves you wicked deeds those shadows you spin when no one is looking, i see how you think but not what it is i want to breathe you in INHALE suppression, supressed super supper drown down watership suffocate you fucking rabbits and i'm drowning in these thoughts of you and without you how lost can we be

CAN'T YOU HEAR ME

how hard do i have to cry how loud how long ever notice how easy it is to skin yourself do you know what you look like beneath i do i have found exactly how my muscles move flesh free to be me and i am secure and i know no matter how hard this gets i am stronger but i am tired of putting up with you ever have a conversation with numerous people but you are only making a single statement running out of time running running running you should be running

it's all coming down

How are you defined?

People - the mass denizens of this place called earth. they don't care about anyone but themselves, serving only to benefit themselves at whatsoever the cost. eager to shut down others, berate and judge others. quick to lie, steal, cheat and betray. they talk but never speak. look but never see. hear but never listen. and you will meet thousands for every human you see.

Human - compassionate, they are misanthropic. betrayal is rewarded with cruelty and disdain. they rise above. they will love you no matter the cost. and will support and defend you in your darkest hour. they will love you regardless of what they have to go through to get to the truth of you and once there they will fight to stay forever in your light. cruel and kind, they speak truths and are impasse to allow guilt to hold them down. they fight for what's right, regardless of popularity.

Know

I think we both know I was in love with you. And I think you know that I am probably the only one in your life who can actually say that with a ferocious conviction. You were everything at a time in my life when I was slowly shattering.

And then you took the sledgehammer to me.

I can honestly say that I know what it is like to have a life that is not worth living. And I know the pain a person who wants to die feels when they wake up.

Maybe what's worse is that you are a repeat offender. You have waltzed right back in, and it seems you expect things to be like they were. Because that's how it was the time before, and before that, and before that... To be fair the lesson was mine to learn. But I've learned it. And learned it well.

There will be no "like there was before." Not now, not ever. I am a different being now than I was. And if you feel that that is not a good enough excuse - than I don't want you back in my life. I am not beyond second chances - though to be honest and prudent you are way past seconds - but I will allow for a new chance, a fresh start. Now to clear the air.

Regardless of how you saw things or felt things - this is how it was as I perceived, and trust me when I say that Hope can be the cruelest bitch you will ever know.

I loved you. More than I think I should have. But I loved you none-the-less. I loved you more than the stars in the sky at night, more than the moon which makes me cry because it is so beautiful. You brought out the thrill in me I thought only sunsets and full moons could bring. I loved you until I could no longer bear it and gave you part of my soul. Regardless of the beliefs of others, it is in human power to do so. And I did. To ensure you would never feel alone. To protect you beyond the point of myself.

And when you said we would be together forever, I committed. Casting my hopes and dreams asunder, I wrapped myself around you. My dreams were those you had given me. I couldn't wait for us to live together and raise a family together - at a point in my life when I dreaded the thoughts of marriage and children. I committed to them because they were yours. Not even my family or my love of knowledge could withdraw as much out of me.

However, I never seemed to be the only one. You seem to have this talent for it. There is just something about you that makes the rest only whitenoise. Mere static barely distinguishable. There is no end to what others will go through for you.

I want you to know, that if this is the case - if these are your intentions - you can kindly fuck off. I will not stand for it and I refuse to be regarded as The-Girl-With-YOURNAME. Those days are gone and you've burned up all those chances.

Our lives have followed different paths. And if we are meeting again, at a new crossroads in which you are no longer the person you used to be, then I will allow your presence. But if you are expecting things to be like they were then, I will leave you to it here. And I will erase all potential for us to meet again in-so-far as I am capable of. I need you to be human. And if you cannot, than you are not worth the time.

I am not saying that it will be easy, as my humanity allows me to be boldly honest. I still love you, and I am very afraid I always will. But I do not need anyone to help me stand tall.

And I will stumble and break and I know that no matter what, I will be here to save me. Because I was when you left me for dead to live your life the way you wanted. I remembered me when you had forgotten my name. And I rocked myself to sleep at night when I couldn't sleep without you. And I consoled my self when I cried until being sick. And I stitched up the wounds you left, raw and bleeding. And when my body did not have the energy to breathe I forced it through the motions. And when every morning I awoke wracked my body with pain I forced myself to stand.

And I am scarred, and I am ruined, and I am broken.

But I am beautiful.

So here is your cross, and your nails. And you can take back this crown of thorns - for I have no need to martyr myself for you any longer.

So here I stand, Judas. Waiting at this crossroads. It's time you pay for your own sins. If you can recognize your transgressions I will allow you to walk beside me, for whatever time as fate allows.

But know this, should I hear the jingle of silver in your pockets again we will make use of that cross again. And you can have a taste.