Sleeping With Ghosts

Well when you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay,
And maybe when you get back,
I'll be off,
To find another way

When after all this time that you still owe
You're still a good-for-nothing I don't know,
So take your gloves and get out,
Baby get out
While you can

When you go
And would you even turn to say,
I don't love you like I did yesterday

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating,
But baby when they knock you down and out
Is where you oughta stay

And after all the blood that you still owe
Another time was just another blow
So fix your eyes and get up
Baby, get up
While you can

When you go
And would you even turn to say
I don't love you like I did yesterday

Well come on, come on

When you go
Would you have the guts to say
I don't love you like I loved you yesterday

I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday

I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday

I miss you. I wonder what you're doing now. And I am not sad about our past or how we split apart. Well sometimes, I am sad. When I wonder why you could not be stronger. Or why you always felt the need for someone else to complete you.
I keep dreaming about you. And psychology will tell you that the people in your dreams are only those you recognize so that your mind doesn't wake fitfully, or something along those lines. But the missing you is real. And it's there squeezing me tight in the mornings. An achy hollow tightness that makes breathing hurt. I think I took for granted the fact that you would always be with me. Always a part of my life.

That's my fault. I am like that. I incorporate my friends into a relationship more akin to something like family members. I love them and trust them blindly. Even as I boast and claim not to care. I do.
The end of a friendship is always like a death in my family. Actually, worse. I am quite resilient to losing actual relations - perhaps a by-product of my dubious family history...
Like pets. I would say it is closest to the emptiness I feel when losing a pet. For me, I foster a kind of mother-alligator relationship with my friends. Oh, I will love you fiercer than a mother bear; but if you cross my ass you can bet yours I'm going to pound it. In general, the more I hit you - the more I love you.
But I digress...


I miss you much it is physically hurting me.
I suppose everyone ends up sleeping with ghosts at some point...

Know

I think we both know I was in love with you. And I think you know that I am probably the only one in your life who can actually say that with a ferocious conviction. You were everything at a time in my life when I was slowly shattering.

And then you took the sledgehammer to me.

I can honestly say that I know what it is like to have a life that is not worth living. And I know the pain a person who wants to die feels when they wake up.

Maybe what's worse is that you are a repeat offender. You have waltzed right back in, and it seems you expect things to be like they were. Because that's how it was the time before, and before that, and before that... To be fair the lesson was mine to learn. But I've learned it. And learned it well.

There will be no "like there was before." Not now, not ever. I am a different being now than I was. And if you feel that that is not a good enough excuse - than I don't want you back in my life. I am not beyond second chances - though to be honest and prudent you are way past seconds - but I will allow for a new chance, a fresh start. Now to clear the air.

Regardless of how you saw things or felt things - this is how it was as I perceived, and trust me when I say that Hope can be the cruelest bitch you will ever know.

I loved you. More than I think I should have. But I loved you none-the-less. I loved you more than the stars in the sky at night, more than the moon which makes me cry because it is so beautiful. You brought out the thrill in me I thought only sunsets and full moons could bring. I loved you until I could no longer bear it and gave you part of my soul. Regardless of the beliefs of others, it is in human power to do so. And I did. To ensure you would never feel alone. To protect you beyond the point of myself.

And when you said we would be together forever, I committed. Casting my hopes and dreams asunder, I wrapped myself around you. My dreams were those you had given me. I couldn't wait for us to live together and raise a family together - at a point in my life when I dreaded the thoughts of marriage and children. I committed to them because they were yours. Not even my family or my love of knowledge could withdraw as much out of me.

However, I never seemed to be the only one. You seem to have this talent for it. There is just something about you that makes the rest only whitenoise. Mere static barely distinguishable. There is no end to what others will go through for you.

I want you to know, that if this is the case - if these are your intentions - you can kindly fuck off. I will not stand for it and I refuse to be regarded as The-Girl-With-YOURNAME. Those days are gone and you've burned up all those chances.

Our lives have followed different paths. And if we are meeting again, at a new crossroads in which you are no longer the person you used to be, then I will allow your presence. But if you are expecting things to be like they were then, I will leave you to it here. And I will erase all potential for us to meet again in-so-far as I am capable of. I need you to be human. And if you cannot, than you are not worth the time.

I am not saying that it will be easy, as my humanity allows me to be boldly honest. I still love you, and I am very afraid I always will. But I do not need anyone to help me stand tall.

And I will stumble and break and I know that no matter what, I will be here to save me. Because I was when you left me for dead to live your life the way you wanted. I remembered me when you had forgotten my name. And I rocked myself to sleep at night when I couldn't sleep without you. And I consoled my self when I cried until being sick. And I stitched up the wounds you left, raw and bleeding. And when my body did not have the energy to breathe I forced it through the motions. And when every morning I awoke wracked my body with pain I forced myself to stand.

And I am scarred, and I am ruined, and I am broken.

But I am beautiful.

So here is your cross, and your nails. And you can take back this crown of thorns - for I have no need to martyr myself for you any longer.

So here I stand, Judas. Waiting at this crossroads. It's time you pay for your own sins. If you can recognize your transgressions I will allow you to walk beside me, for whatever time as fate allows.

But know this, should I hear the jingle of silver in your pockets again we will make use of that cross again. And you can have a taste.