What If I Don't Want To?

I'm supposed to write this.  Something for the masses. And I find that all the words have left me of late.  I sit and stare at the paper and it just is.  And I am, but we are not together.  It would be tragic, if it could be considered remotely sad.  Its not like I don't have thoughts.  This morning I swam a mile and my head was full of things and now its empty.

Its always empty the moment the ink is ready. 

Cantankerous Bitchings

Ok, seriously? I’m rather annoyed. I’m not sure if they’ve officially cancelled Defying Gravity or just put it on hold, but the fact that another network is cancelling a show I REALLY LIKE is starting to chap my ass. 2009 Officially Fucking Sucks. A year of awfulness. And what’s worse, is that it is nothing catastrophic. It’s all the minor little shit that fucking matters that has gone to hell.

Sometimes I wish I had a really crazy fan that would just go out and kneecap all the miserable fucks who’ve stolen my distractions away from me. Or curb stomp them. I’m not picky. I just want them to live in a horribly disfigured way forevers.

Cantankerous Bitchings

Tragically I’ve come up with a new subject for a book. It’s nightmarish. I’m not even halfway through – research and other mind you now, not written word per se – on three and now I want to jump on a new one. It’s totally awesome – at least in my head and so I’m super psyched to get started on it.

And to be sure, I’m thinking I might want to make it a Manga. So I’ll be sketching up character refs to see if that’s the direction I want to go for sure. It will probably take longer than any other project. Of course this might also lead me to doing it to the rest of them… How tragic. Ha!

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Is it just me – or do you want to skin the fucknut who created the McCafe commercials of epic annoyingness? And strangle at least half of the cast of Glee. The whore wife, the tramp cheerleader, the obsessive star, and Will – the spineless wimpy fop. Break their legs and beat them to death with them. I can’t decide if I love the show or hate it. Like picking at scabs – you know you really shouldn’t but there’s something to the sensation of digging a hole in your flesh.

Haters

I'm a punk rock prom queen
Brown paper magazine
Hotter than you've ever seen
Everywhere and in between

I'm a ten ticket thrill ride
Don't you wanna come inside?
A five star triple threat
Hardest of the hard to get
No ones little red corvette
Ain't seen nothin' like me yet

It took six whole hours, and five long days
For all your lies to come undone
And those three small words were way to late
Cause you can't see that I'm the one

I'm your late night head rush
Ace high royal flush
Red velvet orange crush
You just don't impress me much

A glossy double cover spread
Opened up inside your head
A black cherry paradise
Half the sugar, twice the spice
I don't wanna treat you nice
Come on baby roll the dice

Six whole hours, and five long days
For all your lies to come undone
And those three small words were way too late
Can't you see that I'm the one

It took six whole hours, and five long days
For all your lies to come undone
And those three small words were way too late
'Cause you can't see that I'm the one

It took six whole hours, and five long days
For all your lies to come undone
And those three small words were way too late
'Cause you can't see that I'm the one!!

I'm intelligent
I'm cute
I'm funny
I'm quick
I'm gullible
I'm trigger happy
I'm wild
I'm crazy in a way that everyone wants

I am more than willing to go the extra mile for you if I love you. And trust me when I say no one will ever, EVER, love you like I will; regarding friends and otherwise. I do however, absolutely refuse
To be put on the sidelines
To be stabbed in the back
To be lied to
To be ignored

This is my anthem. And you can think your better than me all you want. And you can think I'm an egocentric asshole all you want. And you can lie about me, betray me, and hate me all you want. But I am all this and more. And if you cannot see it - it's your loss.

Bitch, keep talking shit - you're making me FAMOUS!

Medulla Oblongata

You ever wonder why I'm always yelling at you? Or when I say things to you I sound like a bitch?

IT'S BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT

Assfuckwit

If you would stop being a cock-gobbling-gutter-slut for FIIIIIVE fucking minutes and take the time to be a Human instead of being person I might have patience with you. I might reign myself in. But you cannot be Human can you? No, you have to be a person. This base animal that hardly knows how to arrange it's sentences. Ruled by your god damned medulla oblongata. Self gratifying leech upon societies face. And everyone is too busy being PC to do a fucking thing about it.

Yeah. Uh-uh!

You can suck me sideways if you think you don't deserve it. When you stop eating rocks and finally realize that the earth is indeed round - and not like a plate asshole - I will dane to have some sort of warmth within myself for you. Until then you can take a long walk off a short motherfucking pier.

I want you to meet the christmas critters.

I want you to meet the cenobytes.

I want you to meet a thousand nightmares.

Each of which is significantly more horrible than the last. And I want you to know that I know, that I'm watching, that I'm laughing. Because your stupidity has earned you that more than a thousand times over. And I do not care if I am the only one capable of saying this shit to you.

You're selling me out. What I cannot understand is why you do not notice how I sit, idly by. Innocent bystander not at all bothered by the goings on - as if an average customer in an average market. I notice everything about you. Every detail. I suppose it is a human thing.

You see me, but you are not watching.

You hear me, but you are not listening.

You talk, but you never speak to me.

I am tired of speaking to you. I feel like we are different species. I feel like it is universes between us instead of a scant amount of miles. The insanity is that I have met other Humans just as far, if not further, who's heartbeat I can hear in my ears even now. When I go this last time, and my back is turned to you. That will be the last thing you see of Me ever again in all your years. Oh, you will definitely see me around; but by then all you will have of Myself is memory.

And I'll have forgotten you.

What is sad is the fact that you have never known Me. But I have known You since we first met. And sure, I will take the blame for this. I have never been one to worry much about these happenings. The end is as common to me as breathing. I am more designed and much fitter to take that final crushing blow.

Know

I think we both know I was in love with you. And I think you know that I am probably the only one in your life who can actually say that with a ferocious conviction. You were everything at a time in my life when I was slowly shattering.

And then you took the sledgehammer to me.

I can honestly say that I know what it is like to have a life that is not worth living. And I know the pain a person who wants to die feels when they wake up.

Maybe what's worse is that you are a repeat offender. You have waltzed right back in, and it seems you expect things to be like they were. Because that's how it was the time before, and before that, and before that... To be fair the lesson was mine to learn. But I've learned it. And learned it well.

There will be no "like there was before." Not now, not ever. I am a different being now than I was. And if you feel that that is not a good enough excuse - than I don't want you back in my life. I am not beyond second chances - though to be honest and prudent you are way past seconds - but I will allow for a new chance, a fresh start. Now to clear the air.

Regardless of how you saw things or felt things - this is how it was as I perceived, and trust me when I say that Hope can be the cruelest bitch you will ever know.

I loved you. More than I think I should have. But I loved you none-the-less. I loved you more than the stars in the sky at night, more than the moon which makes me cry because it is so beautiful. You brought out the thrill in me I thought only sunsets and full moons could bring. I loved you until I could no longer bear it and gave you part of my soul. Regardless of the beliefs of others, it is in human power to do so. And I did. To ensure you would never feel alone. To protect you beyond the point of myself.

And when you said we would be together forever, I committed. Casting my hopes and dreams asunder, I wrapped myself around you. My dreams were those you had given me. I couldn't wait for us to live together and raise a family together - at a point in my life when I dreaded the thoughts of marriage and children. I committed to them because they were yours. Not even my family or my love of knowledge could withdraw as much out of me.

However, I never seemed to be the only one. You seem to have this talent for it. There is just something about you that makes the rest only whitenoise. Mere static barely distinguishable. There is no end to what others will go through for you.

I want you to know, that if this is the case - if these are your intentions - you can kindly fuck off. I will not stand for it and I refuse to be regarded as The-Girl-With-YOURNAME. Those days are gone and you've burned up all those chances.

Our lives have followed different paths. And if we are meeting again, at a new crossroads in which you are no longer the person you used to be, then I will allow your presence. But if you are expecting things to be like they were then, I will leave you to it here. And I will erase all potential for us to meet again in-so-far as I am capable of. I need you to be human. And if you cannot, than you are not worth the time.

I am not saying that it will be easy, as my humanity allows me to be boldly honest. I still love you, and I am very afraid I always will. But I do not need anyone to help me stand tall.

And I will stumble and break and I know that no matter what, I will be here to save me. Because I was when you left me for dead to live your life the way you wanted. I remembered me when you had forgotten my name. And I rocked myself to sleep at night when I couldn't sleep without you. And I consoled my self when I cried until being sick. And I stitched up the wounds you left, raw and bleeding. And when my body did not have the energy to breathe I forced it through the motions. And when every morning I awoke wracked my body with pain I forced myself to stand.

And I am scarred, and I am ruined, and I am broken.

But I am beautiful.

So here is your cross, and your nails. And you can take back this crown of thorns - for I have no need to martyr myself for you any longer.

So here I stand, Judas. Waiting at this crossroads. It's time you pay for your own sins. If you can recognize your transgressions I will allow you to walk beside me, for whatever time as fate allows.

But know this, should I hear the jingle of silver in your pockets again we will make use of that cross again. And you can have a taste.