What If I Don't Want To?

I'm supposed to write this.  Something for the masses. And I find that all the words have left me of late.  I sit and stare at the paper and it just is.  And I am, but we are not together.  It would be tragic, if it could be considered remotely sad.  Its not like I don't have thoughts.  This morning I swam a mile and my head was full of things and now its empty.

Its always empty the moment the ink is ready. 

We Must Die To One Life

A fire burns
Water comes
You cool me down
When I'm cold inside
You are warm and bright
You know you are so good for me

With your child's eyes
You are more than you seem
You see into space
I see in your face
The places you've been
The things you have learned
They sit with you so beautifully

You know there's no need to hide away
You know I tell the truth
We are just the same
And I can feel everything you do
Hear everything you say
Even when you're miles away
'Cause I am me, the universe and you

And just like stars burning bright
Making holes in the night
We are building bridges

And you know there's no need to hide away
You know I tell the truth
We are just the same
And I can feel everything you do
Hear everything you say
Even when you're miles away
'Cause I am me, the universe and you
I'm the universe and you

When you're on your own
I'll send you a sign
Just so you know
That I am me, the universe and you
The universe and you
The universe and you

I am the universe and you

Flippant how we move through the moods. Seals in arctic seas, polywogging. I feel lost in the ocean. Content. At peace. Soothed by thoughts of a vast emptiness. Of how tiny and insignificant I may be in the scheme of the universe.
Maybe it is my ego in being overjoyed at having been a part of something in the first place. Or maybe just in thoughts that those who really deem me insignificant are even more worthless than I. Pathetic bastards...

I always think of this song when I think of my friends. My ACTUAL friends. Not my chums. Acquaintances. Random assortment of people who find me and my antics enjoyable.
The ones who care. People and humans alike. The ones who always see the dark within my glaring brightness. And love me for it. The ones who've gone to the dark side of the moon, and fought to stay with me through all the horrors I am capable of.
And I am more than capable of things you shudder to imagine. I do not admit this with glee, but a sense of sorrow. Because I am the monster other monsters fear. By right and with horrendous justification. Perhaps the reason I enjoy horror movies so much. I am motivated to find out how others react to these seeming "monstrosities."
My reactions are always different.

I am different.
Not better.
Different.
Not unique.
Just different. In a sea of silver lamia - the black one is no better. Has no unique qualities, abilities, nuances. Merely difference.

I do not
move dance shake bounce beat bop slide slip flip flop leap scamper skip meander wander walk run
through life.
I flow.
Kinesis is just kinesis.


I am filled with a dread sense of longing. A hard sorrow. And it is so funny, in an entirely ironic sense, because I think I've made a good decision on what to do with my life. I'm beginning school shortly. I'm putting myself whole hog into the acting/modeling thing. And all I really want to do is cry. Maybe dredge up the past too...

I seriously want to yell at you. Why weren't you a friend. Why weren't you better to me? Don't you know that when I said I loved you I actually meant it? Don't you know when I said I loved you, it was unconditional and I would NEVER EVER expect anything in return excepting ONLY your presence within my life?
Why was that so much to ask for?

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”

Anatole France

Because In Reality

I kill myself in small amounts,
in each relationship it's not about love.
Just another funeral and just another girl left in tears.

And I'm waiting
with the sound turned off I’m waiting
like a glass balloon and I'm fading
into the void and then I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone...

They said that hell's not hot
They said that hell's not hot

I gave my soul to someone else
She must have known that it was already sold.
It was never about her,
it was about the hurt.

And I'm waiting
with the sound turned off I’m waiting
like a glass balloon and I'm fading
into the void and then I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone...

They said that hell's not hot
They said that hell's not hot

I kill myself in small amounts in each relationship it's not about love.
Just another funeral and just another girl left in tears.

waiting with the sound turned off I'm waiting
like a glass balloon and I'm fading
into the void and then I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone...

waiting....
waiting.....

fading....

gone, gone, gone

They said that hell's not hot
They said that hell's not hot
They said that hell's not hot
They said that hell's not hot

Have you ever thought about giving up. Maybe it's not about being unhappy, but just about nothing at all. That's all you feel. And that's all it will ever amount to. Why waste your time on someone who doesn't give a shit. Because that is all that it will ever be isn't it - just a WASTE of fucking TIME.

And it's so hard to trust anyone anymore. Let alone feel anything. I'm happy, but am I really. Do I really feel what I'm feeling. And if so why is there always that nagging emptiness in the background.
Because in reality I am happy.
Because in reality I am numb.
Because in reality I don't feel anything at all.
Which allows me to feel this surreal bliss - like being high all the fucking time. And it's great and amazing and awesome and inspiring.

The truth is I think I might have given up a long time ago. And now there is only the basic need. And if relationships are all just a waste of time anyway - why waste time. I'm not looking for a soulmate. I'm not looking for marriage. I'm not looking for a significant other. I'm not looking for a lover. I'm not looking for a date.
I just want a fuck...

I could lie to you and say I believed in better things... but there is no god but myself

Suicide

Every night
You wrote another line
With a bloody, broken, bottle
And every day
You wish it away
Why don't you pull the pin
On that grenade
You cuddle

I wanted to believe
Bodies swinging from trees
Struggling to stand
With your head in your hands
A stoic last stand
Of a dying man

I wanted to believe
As I watched your world
Crumble in your hands
I wanted to believe
As you raised your glass
To your last stand
And I wanted to believe
You would win
The war in your head
That I did not understand...
I did not understand...

Every night
The questions poured out
Of your wounded eyes
Damn dark things
Every day
You used to pray
Listen to the black raven sing
You wanted to believe
As you were falling to your knees
Struggling to stand
With your life in your hand
The sad last stand
Of a broken man

I wanted to believe
As I watched your world
Crumble in your hands
I wanted to believe
As you raised your glass
To your last stand
And I wanted to believe
You would win
The war in your head
That I did not understand...
I did not understand...

I wanted to believe
As I watched your world
Crumble in your hands
I wanted to believe
As you raised your glass
To your last stand
I wanted to believe
You would win
The war in your head
That I did not understand
I did not understand

And the questions poured out
And the questions pour out
I did not understand
I did not understand
I did not understand
I did not understand
The sound of you falling
I did not understand
As the trembling heart of a dying man
Did not understand
The sound of a trembling heart

I wonder why there is such stigma with suicide. Or with death in general. I often think about killing myself. And it's not that I am unhappy - because I am in fact Happy. I really like my life and who I am - and don't get me wrong it seems to be going on a bender hard and fast. However, above all things, I know who I am. And I don't worry. Something that seems to be swiftly maddening to those whom I choose to surround myself with. Especially my kittens.

I don't know. Sometimes it just seems that Death is the last Great Adventure I have waiting for me.

I am in Need of an adventure.

So desperately so that when I think of it I cannot breathe and my body is frozen in some silent prison, shaking with the need to explode violently into it.

Perhaps it's not my suicide that's bizarre. But the fact that when I picture it, I'm never caught. If I'm found at all. Sometimes I think I'll just wink out like a star, silent and lost among the thousands that capture your eyes. Overlooked or maybe misplaced and forgotten. And while I think I should feel sad at being forgotten, I rarely am. At worst I'm empty and at best I'm amused. But never sad. Never down.

Maybe it's because I believe that I will be here long after this body and earth has gone from existence. That I am me because I am the soul, the god I have spent so long looking for. I am the burning need that gets me through the bad days, and lifts me to flight on the good.

Empty because I don't need you.

Amused because I loved you and wanted you with me regardless of your concerns.

I don't need you. Any of you. And that should mean something great to you. Something wonderful and fantastic. Because you shouldn't need me either. Ferociously Independent. I want to be like the sea. Like the earth. Completely capable of severing you from myself at any and all costs.

So you will know how precious it is that

I Want You

REFUSE

i've got it all on my mind exploding in a million different directions at once i felt that all things should perish, little deaths, for their little lives. twitchy keys twitch fingers, they itch and scamper silly little whispers of words stuck in my mind they keep me up at night and i'm afraid to sleep or sleep alone and sometimes these things are idle in their moods - tiny torrents of great gasping floods and it is all too much to bear. brr. bera. burrow. burn. bark. parka. you won't get it you refuse to understand. and THAT IS NOT FINE. i'm tired of explaining and aggravated with you and i want to run away because i am aggravated with myself. and i want to tell you what i mean but sometimes i don't know it. there is so much in here is another brick. this prison gets higher every time i turn around around around the way. some sorrow filled nights and the loneliness is creeping in. i want to strangle her with those satin laces. the ones i keep hidden from myself in the tiny crevices of places i dare not go for fear of loss of self control. ov. of. oven. burn. fires fires all around and here's the cross to put me on, i made sure those nails were rusty. god give me tetnus. lock jaw. wired shut. these rules of yours have already bound me. made me a wicked beast - one you'd sooner fear than love. and i want to rip your fucking heart out for it. i hate your slackjawed nature. your flippance. your lack of humanity. i am staring at you again. but it's only to see if you have a soul. or to memorize the lines you make. but it's not because i care, you're too frustrating. you suck the life out of everything. god damned leeches. human - people is the same as vampire - leeches. not that you'd know. you wouldn't know anything - but oh how you know everything. i'm lost again. but happier for it. but lost from what i want and need. i know the difference between your empty food and am hungry for actual fare. stuck stuck stuck. cannot find the shovel to dig myself out of this hole. DIG ME OUT. i'm shouting. screaming. calling. screeching. howling. I NEED MORE WORDS!! there is not enough of this. and where are you when i need you. in these late hours, these hours, the only time i am __insert whatever word you'd like here__. not that you'd know any good ones. ones. once. bitter. i am bitter here. and cold. and lost and stuck. i cannot - i do not - i am unable - i am

nothing Nothing NOTHING just not good enough just not well well welcome over and come inside i have some dreams and they're selling cheap trick clever trick you almost YOU'RE AN ALMOST and i i laugh hysterical hyster womb shredded home all is lost and long forgotten burn wander these empty hallways adn there is no punctuation, doesn't that just drive you mad MAD mad mad mad mad angry i shall strive strike stick street steam stream stem lest lost love never meant to make you wonderful bastard and how these things they come together right now olly olly oxenfree spelling, we don't need your grammar you nazi sucking the life out. suck vacuum YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? hahahahaha i want to shread snarl sharp furious claws raking down carving paths through flesh one scar two scar three scar MEMORY

i'm going to break them these damn fingers but first i'll rip the nails out slowly one bed at a time and sleep is too far gone and i will never lie down again i am a liar i am a theif and i want to steal every moment you are awake i want to climb inside that head of yours cover myself in your mind i want to know what you think inside there behind those eyes i see in i drown in i want those eyes i want what they're hiding I WANT YOU to know what i'm thinking to see how i see the world to find an interesting thought in me to inspire me to comfort me to strangle me to drive me and i am tracking you, keeping careful observance of your moves you wicked deeds those shadows you spin when no one is looking, i see how you think but not what it is i want to breathe you in INHALE suppression, supressed super supper drown down watership suffocate you fucking rabbits and i'm drowning in these thoughts of you and without you how lost can we be

CAN'T YOU HEAR ME

how hard do i have to cry how loud how long ever notice how easy it is to skin yourself do you know what you look like beneath i do i have found exactly how my muscles move flesh free to be me and i am secure and i know no matter how hard this gets i am stronger but i am tired of putting up with you ever have a conversation with numerous people but you are only making a single statement running out of time running running running you should be running

it's all coming down