A Burning Brilliant Star

I saw you. In that moment I was a burning brilliant star. Something shining and new and beautiful. Something worthwhile. I blazed across the sky, a fierce stellate shooting across the heavens to show how dim the stars burned in stasis.

Symphonies ruptured the silence of a stillborn heart and life poured out and covered the soul. Life expressed its vitality in that ailing string. Resounding, overwhelming, cascading and invasive. Everything was right. Everything was sure. Conducive. An affirmation of a myriad of portents, omens and signs; fiercely drowning cataract.

First breath. First sight. Everything renewed, restored. Vigor. Palatable, sensual.


And you turned only to vanish. An aberration, illusion. Some vicious oasis in this desert wasteland. Destruction as beautiful as the creation.

If love is the master, hope is the apprentice.

Everything You Think You Know Is Wrong

Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong
And everything you think you had baby
Is gone

Certain things turn ugly when you think too hard
And nagging little thoughts change into things you can't turn off
Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong

It's all over but the crying
Fade to black I'm sick of trying
Took too much and now I'm done
It's all over but the crying

Do you really think I'm made of stone baby?
C'mon!
That we only love the things we own?
Baby you're wrong

Certain things just happen when you make no plans
And love can really tear you up and it can break you down
Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong

It's all over but the crying
Fade to black I'm sick of trying
Took too much and now I'm done
It's all over but the crying

Baby we're done

If I could I would
I'd change everything
Cause I can't forget you though you don't believe me
Now I can't walk back
I can't leave behind
Where does it go all the light that we had?

Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong
And everything you think you had baby
Is gone

Baby we're done

I am so very tired. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I really don't. I am out of my element on this one. And I'm not saying I didn't do anything. I always do something. It's how I work. Because stagnant is death. Life is change and movement. And maybe forward is hard, but the pain is what you use to remind you this isn't a dream.

I want to be self righteous. So fucking badly. But I'd rather make your life hell and play the role of the devil I know without doubt I am. And you may not believe in karma; but so help me you backstabbing bitch. You will when I'm done. I'm going to make you hurt. Because I'm hurting. And I don't care if you don't deserve it.

Push on stresses to find the cracks in who you are.
I am vindictive. In all the worse ways.

I pity those who love me most of the time because I am about as comforting as sandpaper.
And some days I wish I wasn't. Sometimes I want to be the loving center than you can rescue on your god damned steeds. But I am no damsel. And the only one distressed is the dragon for having his ass kicked by a little girl.

I loved you. I thought we would always be friends. I did not once ever consider you to be just an acquaintance. But now we're not even friends. You should know I plan on ruining your life. And normally I would be boldly honest and state the fact to your face. However, you feel the world should be run according to your game plan. So I will gloriously deploy it. You should know it brings me no joy. No joy whatsoever. And how I wish thoughts of your demise could.
I really and truly do.
But I am so very tired.

I do not continue to pick myself up because I want to. But because I have to. For no one else will be there for me.
Maybe that's a lie. I don't believe it. I do force it on myself. Because so far in life it has been the truth. A terrible and aching truth that breeds emptiness.
Sometimes I wish that all the scars on my soul could be seen on the outside.


Sometimes I think Hope is just as cruel as Love...

Know

I think we both know I was in love with you. And I think you know that I am probably the only one in your life who can actually say that with a ferocious conviction. You were everything at a time in my life when I was slowly shattering.

And then you took the sledgehammer to me.

I can honestly say that I know what it is like to have a life that is not worth living. And I know the pain a person who wants to die feels when they wake up.

Maybe what's worse is that you are a repeat offender. You have waltzed right back in, and it seems you expect things to be like they were. Because that's how it was the time before, and before that, and before that... To be fair the lesson was mine to learn. But I've learned it. And learned it well.

There will be no "like there was before." Not now, not ever. I am a different being now than I was. And if you feel that that is not a good enough excuse - than I don't want you back in my life. I am not beyond second chances - though to be honest and prudent you are way past seconds - but I will allow for a new chance, a fresh start. Now to clear the air.

Regardless of how you saw things or felt things - this is how it was as I perceived, and trust me when I say that Hope can be the cruelest bitch you will ever know.

I loved you. More than I think I should have. But I loved you none-the-less. I loved you more than the stars in the sky at night, more than the moon which makes me cry because it is so beautiful. You brought out the thrill in me I thought only sunsets and full moons could bring. I loved you until I could no longer bear it and gave you part of my soul. Regardless of the beliefs of others, it is in human power to do so. And I did. To ensure you would never feel alone. To protect you beyond the point of myself.

And when you said we would be together forever, I committed. Casting my hopes and dreams asunder, I wrapped myself around you. My dreams were those you had given me. I couldn't wait for us to live together and raise a family together - at a point in my life when I dreaded the thoughts of marriage and children. I committed to them because they were yours. Not even my family or my love of knowledge could withdraw as much out of me.

However, I never seemed to be the only one. You seem to have this talent for it. There is just something about you that makes the rest only whitenoise. Mere static barely distinguishable. There is no end to what others will go through for you.

I want you to know, that if this is the case - if these are your intentions - you can kindly fuck off. I will not stand for it and I refuse to be regarded as The-Girl-With-YOURNAME. Those days are gone and you've burned up all those chances.

Our lives have followed different paths. And if we are meeting again, at a new crossroads in which you are no longer the person you used to be, then I will allow your presence. But if you are expecting things to be like they were then, I will leave you to it here. And I will erase all potential for us to meet again in-so-far as I am capable of. I need you to be human. And if you cannot, than you are not worth the time.

I am not saying that it will be easy, as my humanity allows me to be boldly honest. I still love you, and I am very afraid I always will. But I do not need anyone to help me stand tall.

And I will stumble and break and I know that no matter what, I will be here to save me. Because I was when you left me for dead to live your life the way you wanted. I remembered me when you had forgotten my name. And I rocked myself to sleep at night when I couldn't sleep without you. And I consoled my self when I cried until being sick. And I stitched up the wounds you left, raw and bleeding. And when my body did not have the energy to breathe I forced it through the motions. And when every morning I awoke wracked my body with pain I forced myself to stand.

And I am scarred, and I am ruined, and I am broken.

But I am beautiful.

So here is your cross, and your nails. And you can take back this crown of thorns - for I have no need to martyr myself for you any longer.

So here I stand, Judas. Waiting at this crossroads. It's time you pay for your own sins. If you can recognize your transgressions I will allow you to walk beside me, for whatever time as fate allows.

But know this, should I hear the jingle of silver in your pockets again we will make use of that cross again. And you can have a taste.