We Must Die To One Life

A fire burns
Water comes
You cool me down
When I'm cold inside
You are warm and bright
You know you are so good for me

With your child's eyes
You are more than you seem
You see into space
I see in your face
The places you've been
The things you have learned
They sit with you so beautifully

You know there's no need to hide away
You know I tell the truth
We are just the same
And I can feel everything you do
Hear everything you say
Even when you're miles away
'Cause I am me, the universe and you

And just like stars burning bright
Making holes in the night
We are building bridges

And you know there's no need to hide away
You know I tell the truth
We are just the same
And I can feel everything you do
Hear everything you say
Even when you're miles away
'Cause I am me, the universe and you
I'm the universe and you

When you're on your own
I'll send you a sign
Just so you know
That I am me, the universe and you
The universe and you
The universe and you

I am the universe and you

Flippant how we move through the moods. Seals in arctic seas, polywogging. I feel lost in the ocean. Content. At peace. Soothed by thoughts of a vast emptiness. Of how tiny and insignificant I may be in the scheme of the universe.
Maybe it is my ego in being overjoyed at having been a part of something in the first place. Or maybe just in thoughts that those who really deem me insignificant are even more worthless than I. Pathetic bastards...

I always think of this song when I think of my friends. My ACTUAL friends. Not my chums. Acquaintances. Random assortment of people who find me and my antics enjoyable.
The ones who care. People and humans alike. The ones who always see the dark within my glaring brightness. And love me for it. The ones who've gone to the dark side of the moon, and fought to stay with me through all the horrors I am capable of.
And I am more than capable of things you shudder to imagine. I do not admit this with glee, but a sense of sorrow. Because I am the monster other monsters fear. By right and with horrendous justification. Perhaps the reason I enjoy horror movies so much. I am motivated to find out how others react to these seeming "monstrosities."
My reactions are always different.

I am different.
Not better.
Different.
Not unique.
Just different. In a sea of silver lamia - the black one is no better. Has no unique qualities, abilities, nuances. Merely difference.

I do not
move dance shake bounce beat bop slide slip flip flop leap scamper skip meander wander walk run
through life.
I flow.
Kinesis is just kinesis.


I am filled with a dread sense of longing. A hard sorrow. And it is so funny, in an entirely ironic sense, because I think I've made a good decision on what to do with my life. I'm beginning school shortly. I'm putting myself whole hog into the acting/modeling thing. And all I really want to do is cry. Maybe dredge up the past too...

I seriously want to yell at you. Why weren't you a friend. Why weren't you better to me? Don't you know that when I said I loved you I actually meant it? Don't you know when I said I loved you, it was unconditional and I would NEVER EVER expect anything in return excepting ONLY your presence within my life?
Why was that so much to ask for?

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”

Anatole France

Because In Reality

I kill myself in small amounts,
in each relationship it's not about love.
Just another funeral and just another girl left in tears.

And I'm waiting
with the sound turned off I’m waiting
like a glass balloon and I'm fading
into the void and then I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone...

They said that hell's not hot
They said that hell's not hot

I gave my soul to someone else
She must have known that it was already sold.
It was never about her,
it was about the hurt.

And I'm waiting
with the sound turned off I’m waiting
like a glass balloon and I'm fading
into the void and then I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone...

They said that hell's not hot
They said that hell's not hot

I kill myself in small amounts in each relationship it's not about love.
Just another funeral and just another girl left in tears.

waiting with the sound turned off I'm waiting
like a glass balloon and I'm fading
into the void and then I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone...

waiting....
waiting.....

fading....

gone, gone, gone

They said that hell's not hot
They said that hell's not hot
They said that hell's not hot
They said that hell's not hot

Have you ever thought about giving up. Maybe it's not about being unhappy, but just about nothing at all. That's all you feel. And that's all it will ever amount to. Why waste your time on someone who doesn't give a shit. Because that is all that it will ever be isn't it - just a WASTE of fucking TIME.

And it's so hard to trust anyone anymore. Let alone feel anything. I'm happy, but am I really. Do I really feel what I'm feeling. And if so why is there always that nagging emptiness in the background.
Because in reality I am happy.
Because in reality I am numb.
Because in reality I don't feel anything at all.
Which allows me to feel this surreal bliss - like being high all the fucking time. And it's great and amazing and awesome and inspiring.

The truth is I think I might have given up a long time ago. And now there is only the basic need. And if relationships are all just a waste of time anyway - why waste time. I'm not looking for a soulmate. I'm not looking for marriage. I'm not looking for a significant other. I'm not looking for a lover. I'm not looking for a date.
I just want a fuck...

I could lie to you and say I believed in better things... but there is no god but myself

It's an offer I would rather decline, but I'm afraid it's impossible to Just Say No!

What the hell is it about that two letter word that most everyone finds it so impossible to say.

NO.

N. O.

Negative. Nyet. Nein. Non.

Is it really so hard to turn someone down? It's impossible to say yes to everything. You cannot be everywhere at once. You cannot fund all the world's causes.

And when did it become acceptable to ignore the question? Who decided, "Well gee, I don't want to - but I'd rather not hurt your feelings BY BEING HONEST so I'll just pretend not to notice."

You want to know what I have to say to that?

NO

You are either going to acknowledge it as one with COMMON DECENCY does, or I am going to brow-beat you to death. Saying no is not a crime and I'm tired of being treated like a criminal for accepting it. You do not get everything you want in live. I have been rejected more times that I can count, for what ever reason.

I. AM NOT. DEAD.

So put your big-kid panties on and get the fuck over it.

Rejection may hurt, but life is pain and anyone who tells you other wise is selling something.