REFUSE

i've got it all on my mind exploding in a million different directions at once i felt that all things should perish, little deaths, for their little lives. twitchy keys twitch fingers, they itch and scamper silly little whispers of words stuck in my mind they keep me up at night and i'm afraid to sleep or sleep alone and sometimes these things are idle in their moods - tiny torrents of great gasping floods and it is all too much to bear. brr. bera. burrow. burn. bark. parka. you won't get it you refuse to understand. and THAT IS NOT FINE. i'm tired of explaining and aggravated with you and i want to run away because i am aggravated with myself. and i want to tell you what i mean but sometimes i don't know it. there is so much in here is another brick. this prison gets higher every time i turn around around around the way. some sorrow filled nights and the loneliness is creeping in. i want to strangle her with those satin laces. the ones i keep hidden from myself in the tiny crevices of places i dare not go for fear of loss of self control. ov. of. oven. burn. fires fires all around and here's the cross to put me on, i made sure those nails were rusty. god give me tetnus. lock jaw. wired shut. these rules of yours have already bound me. made me a wicked beast - one you'd sooner fear than love. and i want to rip your fucking heart out for it. i hate your slackjawed nature. your flippance. your lack of humanity. i am staring at you again. but it's only to see if you have a soul. or to memorize the lines you make. but it's not because i care, you're too frustrating. you suck the life out of everything. god damned leeches. human - people is the same as vampire - leeches. not that you'd know. you wouldn't know anything - but oh how you know everything. i'm lost again. but happier for it. but lost from what i want and need. i know the difference between your empty food and am hungry for actual fare. stuck stuck stuck. cannot find the shovel to dig myself out of this hole. DIG ME OUT. i'm shouting. screaming. calling. screeching. howling. I NEED MORE WORDS!! there is not enough of this. and where are you when i need you. in these late hours, these hours, the only time i am __insert whatever word you'd like here__. not that you'd know any good ones. ones. once. bitter. i am bitter here. and cold. and lost and stuck. i cannot - i do not - i am unable - i am

nothing Nothing NOTHING just not good enough just not well well welcome over and come inside i have some dreams and they're selling cheap trick clever trick you almost YOU'RE AN ALMOST and i i laugh hysterical hyster womb shredded home all is lost and long forgotten burn wander these empty hallways adn there is no punctuation, doesn't that just drive you mad MAD mad mad mad mad angry i shall strive strike stick street steam stream stem lest lost love never meant to make you wonderful bastard and how these things they come together right now olly olly oxenfree spelling, we don't need your grammar you nazi sucking the life out. suck vacuum YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? hahahahaha i want to shread snarl sharp furious claws raking down carving paths through flesh one scar two scar three scar MEMORY

i'm going to break them these damn fingers but first i'll rip the nails out slowly one bed at a time and sleep is too far gone and i will never lie down again i am a liar i am a theif and i want to steal every moment you are awake i want to climb inside that head of yours cover myself in your mind i want to know what you think inside there behind those eyes i see in i drown in i want those eyes i want what they're hiding I WANT YOU to know what i'm thinking to see how i see the world to find an interesting thought in me to inspire me to comfort me to strangle me to drive me and i am tracking you, keeping careful observance of your moves you wicked deeds those shadows you spin when no one is looking, i see how you think but not what it is i want to breathe you in INHALE suppression, supressed super supper drown down watership suffocate you fucking rabbits and i'm drowning in these thoughts of you and without you how lost can we be

CAN'T YOU HEAR ME

how hard do i have to cry how loud how long ever notice how easy it is to skin yourself do you know what you look like beneath i do i have found exactly how my muscles move flesh free to be me and i am secure and i know no matter how hard this gets i am stronger but i am tired of putting up with you ever have a conversation with numerous people but you are only making a single statement running out of time running running running you should be running

it's all coming down

How are you defined?

People - the mass denizens of this place called earth. they don't care about anyone but themselves, serving only to benefit themselves at whatsoever the cost. eager to shut down others, berate and judge others. quick to lie, steal, cheat and betray. they talk but never speak. look but never see. hear but never listen. and you will meet thousands for every human you see.

Human - compassionate, they are misanthropic. betrayal is rewarded with cruelty and disdain. they rise above. they will love you no matter the cost. and will support and defend you in your darkest hour. they will love you regardless of what they have to go through to get to the truth of you and once there they will fight to stay forever in your light. cruel and kind, they speak truths and are impasse to allow guilt to hold them down. they fight for what's right, regardless of popularity.

Medulla Oblongata

You ever wonder why I'm always yelling at you? Or when I say things to you I sound like a bitch?

IT'S BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT

Assfuckwit

If you would stop being a cock-gobbling-gutter-slut for FIIIIIVE fucking minutes and take the time to be a Human instead of being person I might have patience with you. I might reign myself in. But you cannot be Human can you? No, you have to be a person. This base animal that hardly knows how to arrange it's sentences. Ruled by your god damned medulla oblongata. Self gratifying leech upon societies face. And everyone is too busy being PC to do a fucking thing about it.

Yeah. Uh-uh!

You can suck me sideways if you think you don't deserve it. When you stop eating rocks and finally realize that the earth is indeed round - and not like a plate asshole - I will dane to have some sort of warmth within myself for you. Until then you can take a long walk off a short motherfucking pier.

I want you to meet the christmas critters.

I want you to meet the cenobytes.

I want you to meet a thousand nightmares.

Each of which is significantly more horrible than the last. And I want you to know that I know, that I'm watching, that I'm laughing. Because your stupidity has earned you that more than a thousand times over. And I do not care if I am the only one capable of saying this shit to you.

You're selling me out. What I cannot understand is why you do not notice how I sit, idly by. Innocent bystander not at all bothered by the goings on - as if an average customer in an average market. I notice everything about you. Every detail. I suppose it is a human thing.

You see me, but you are not watching.

You hear me, but you are not listening.

You talk, but you never speak to me.

I am tired of speaking to you. I feel like we are different species. I feel like it is universes between us instead of a scant amount of miles. The insanity is that I have met other Humans just as far, if not further, who's heartbeat I can hear in my ears even now. When I go this last time, and my back is turned to you. That will be the last thing you see of Me ever again in all your years. Oh, you will definitely see me around; but by then all you will have of Myself is memory.

And I'll have forgotten you.

What is sad is the fact that you have never known Me. But I have known You since we first met. And sure, I will take the blame for this. I have never been one to worry much about these happenings. The end is as common to me as breathing. I am more designed and much fitter to take that final crushing blow.

Mona Lisa Smile

I am so over it. I've been stuck in this mild hell. Or rather this hell of unearthly proportions. Stuck in this stagnate pool filled with this toxic ooze - all sticky and suffocating. I don't know what's worse about the situation. The fact that I was in it for so long or how I allowed you to manipulate me into it. I am LAUGHABLE. hahahahaha

How patronizingly glorious.

You deserve a highfive.

Fuckface.

I want you to know this is about you. It's all about you. I'm going to take your brick wall and build myself a palace to rule the ages in. So I want to congratulate you for kicking me down. Turns out in the best of times I'm not great. Oh I am a bright star, and there will come a day when you look back and regret. And you WILL regret. But I shine brightest in the darkness. Of which I am quite content to rule. We vampires have stalked the ages watching you mules - and that's all you are for all that we try to revere you for something better - you're nothing but mules. And I am better than you.

And I cannot help but laugh because you will take everything I am saying and make it some personal attack upon your person. And that is what makes me better than you, the fact that it's what you believe. Like I am some phantom given life by your belief in me. Yes, that's right, I am your own personal Jesus.

LAUGH

I know why Mona Lisa smiles

So does the Cheshire

Aciculate

What do I think of her? I don't care. I hate her. I hate you. I want her to DIE. Quit bleeding me out with your rancid bullshit. WHY DO YOU WANT MY FUCKING APPROVAL? Piss off. Stand on your own two feet for FIVE god Damned seconds.

Sometimes I want to string you upon my wall. See Blood Eagle, Norse. I want to skin your face while you sleep. And keep you alive so I can wake you while wearing it. So you'll cry and I can chirrup in the sweet glee as the salt from your tears bores acid trails down your fucking face.

I AM TIRED OF YOUR FUCKING GAMES.

I'm sick of the way you lie. The way you showboat and endeavor to endear yourself to others. Seeking something you don't deserve. When I want fiction I'll read a book.

The thought of you makes me itch. I feel as though all the flesh I have is constricting me, and I know it's not my flesh but thoughts of you. Thick and sticky - like florida air. Some sick sadistic sauna that never shuts off. Burying you, crushing in upon you like some ghoulish additional layer of gravity that shouldn't exist. And the razor I've entombed in my cutis drags so easily along that line displayed in taxidermy guides.

And I'm not sure what's sicker. The fact that the thought of you makes me want to skin myself for fear of suffocation. Or that the blade slicing through to the dermis is the only happiness I know anymore.

And to your shock and horror I am hysterically happy, cackling with glee insurmountable. [Insurmountable - incapable of being overcome]

I'm suckling the blood from my fingers. Tonguing it from my arm. And if I gnaw just a bit harder I'll reach that pulsing beat within these soft tips.

What wounds me is the fact that you will assume this is about you. Because you just cannot help your arrogance. Everything I used to love about you is wearing me down. Before it crumbles to dust I'll make sure to carve out a piece for you to keep. You always had to prove you owned me in the end anyway.

And this life I'm living is a lie. So all I've left to do is throw it all away. What makes me sadder still is the knowledge that in the end it wouldn't make an impact in your life

Cessation depends on inconspicuous intercourse betwixt carotid and steel...

Hunter When The Moon Is High

Some things are hard to understand…understand if you really understood me I wouldn’t be so alone. Or rather feel this way… arbor mist zinfandel sangria sucks ass – it’s like drinking lime wine [NOT REALLY IT’S LIKE DRINKING FRUITLOOPS]; what a pervasive and degrading idea. I see him sitting there and wonder what he’s thinking…or if he thinks of me while I think of him…though the answer is more than likely not. He has his own life, and his own thoughts - though I wish he would have me on is mind I am not delusional enough to think he does…

A mind’s eye is a Minds Eye and though I may seem impotent in certain facilities I am coherent enough to understand a concept as base as this. Why others do not seems to boggle and vex me in ways not understandable to myself…as though I am above the evolution of the others. Though not all, I do have a few who fallow suit. But not enough and this it’s self seems to vex me even more…like I’m waiting for the remainder of humanity to catch up with myself...

My heart beats a rhythm I wait for someone to hear and understand so that they may love me. It beats wine at the current moment and maybe Lady Sovereign as it right…because some love me and some hate me but they are all obsessed in some way. I’m the Rubik’s Cube everyone wants to finish. Not bragging as I do not understand this myself. Find myself giving them sideways glances as they reach and paw for my attention – labs after the approval of masters proving to be false gods...

The tangy sweetness cascades along the tongue and down the throat reaching in due process the organ it’s fixated upon, and teasing in its sweetness, delicate flavors prance upon budded muscle. How sweet and ingratiating the scent of blood… I wish for it even as none comes. Nothing ever tasted as sweet and delicate as life’s liquid, whispering the sweet sins of the owner upon the tongue and losing itself deep inside uncovering angles to the soul itself that even the carrier knows not. Magick is potent in these silent touches. Burning and hot, an alluring combination, to one so hungry and deprived. I’m pawing at that source, though I know nothing will come from it; pumping in vein from a well that as long since run dry. In agony I howl for one who will let me lap at the blood pool their heart creates for me. Lone a millennium, this queer wolf-cat hybrid – emulsions of vampire spun throughout bright and cascading in an eternal symphony as potent as the pull of the poles to migrating animals… Silently she waits, in utter agonizing anticipation of what may be — what could be if only one were there to be white to her black, angel to her demon, god to her lucifer… She waits hungrily starved for the one who will come, fangs bared in a snarl cruel enough to terrorize the monsters in the darkest minds of the soulless – the one who comes will find an aphrodisiac in them and happily plunge into the maw of razored wolvesteeth.

Running silently over snow crusted hills she hunted, searching for that elusive one who consistently evaded her. She would prevail – even her prey knew this, and its heart beat thirty to the dozen, a sharp gallop in comparison to her own. She knew the time was nearing and her fangs elongated in her mouth cutting her pouty human lips until she kneeled to her fours and sifted to the form the moon compelled her into…

Hell Has Noodles

Does anyone remember those satanic noodles from Sesame Street? The fluffy ones that would devour things. Pretending to be innocent and spineless just shuffling along and no one would pay them any attention, until they were eaten themselves. Vivid orange with those fluffy ends and they would walk like noodles all U shaped and dawdling, like a wyrm from hell. Their bulging eyes watching with false innocence for the right moment, that instant were the advantage was theirs and they knew it was all over for you – it was only a matter of moments before you figured it out.

Some days it is hard for me to discern whether I am prey or predator…

Know

I think we both know I was in love with you. And I think you know that I am probably the only one in your life who can actually say that with a ferocious conviction. You were everything at a time in my life when I was slowly shattering.

And then you took the sledgehammer to me.

I can honestly say that I know what it is like to have a life that is not worth living. And I know the pain a person who wants to die feels when they wake up.

Maybe what's worse is that you are a repeat offender. You have waltzed right back in, and it seems you expect things to be like they were. Because that's how it was the time before, and before that, and before that... To be fair the lesson was mine to learn. But I've learned it. And learned it well.

There will be no "like there was before." Not now, not ever. I am a different being now than I was. And if you feel that that is not a good enough excuse - than I don't want you back in my life. I am not beyond second chances - though to be honest and prudent you are way past seconds - but I will allow for a new chance, a fresh start. Now to clear the air.

Regardless of how you saw things or felt things - this is how it was as I perceived, and trust me when I say that Hope can be the cruelest bitch you will ever know.

I loved you. More than I think I should have. But I loved you none-the-less. I loved you more than the stars in the sky at night, more than the moon which makes me cry because it is so beautiful. You brought out the thrill in me I thought only sunsets and full moons could bring. I loved you until I could no longer bear it and gave you part of my soul. Regardless of the beliefs of others, it is in human power to do so. And I did. To ensure you would never feel alone. To protect you beyond the point of myself.

And when you said we would be together forever, I committed. Casting my hopes and dreams asunder, I wrapped myself around you. My dreams were those you had given me. I couldn't wait for us to live together and raise a family together - at a point in my life when I dreaded the thoughts of marriage and children. I committed to them because they were yours. Not even my family or my love of knowledge could withdraw as much out of me.

However, I never seemed to be the only one. You seem to have this talent for it. There is just something about you that makes the rest only whitenoise. Mere static barely distinguishable. There is no end to what others will go through for you.

I want you to know, that if this is the case - if these are your intentions - you can kindly fuck off. I will not stand for it and I refuse to be regarded as The-Girl-With-YOURNAME. Those days are gone and you've burned up all those chances.

Our lives have followed different paths. And if we are meeting again, at a new crossroads in which you are no longer the person you used to be, then I will allow your presence. But if you are expecting things to be like they were then, I will leave you to it here. And I will erase all potential for us to meet again in-so-far as I am capable of. I need you to be human. And if you cannot, than you are not worth the time.

I am not saying that it will be easy, as my humanity allows me to be boldly honest. I still love you, and I am very afraid I always will. But I do not need anyone to help me stand tall.

And I will stumble and break and I know that no matter what, I will be here to save me. Because I was when you left me for dead to live your life the way you wanted. I remembered me when you had forgotten my name. And I rocked myself to sleep at night when I couldn't sleep without you. And I consoled my self when I cried until being sick. And I stitched up the wounds you left, raw and bleeding. And when my body did not have the energy to breathe I forced it through the motions. And when every morning I awoke wracked my body with pain I forced myself to stand.

And I am scarred, and I am ruined, and I am broken.

But I am beautiful.

So here is your cross, and your nails. And you can take back this crown of thorns - for I have no need to martyr myself for you any longer.

So here I stand, Judas. Waiting at this crossroads. It's time you pay for your own sins. If you can recognize your transgressions I will allow you to walk beside me, for whatever time as fate allows.

But know this, should I hear the jingle of silver in your pockets again we will make use of that cross again. And you can have a taste.